what it means to take your walls down

If you looked beyond my outer imagine and looked deep with in, you would see I am not as strong as everyone thinks, you would see my smile is a cover up for the pain I feel with in me. You would understand how afraid I am to love or be loved, if you just looked at who I am you would see a girl who stands alone but wants more. I have pushed everyone away in one way or another not to be hurt. If someone gets to close I run. I have found excuses not to go , to push others away. I have put my walls up so high now i have no clue how to get over them. When I learned to love they always leave and I am afraid, yet I stand here now and can not move for what I know is in my heart and it makes me stay. I have prayed long and hard I am afraid. What if I scare you away. I have not said I love you to anyone but my children in more than 3 years, I tell others to not to be afraid to take chances and here I run from all of my own. To love someone else is a bold statement you make yourself vulnerable , you let someone close to you. You walk away from past hurt and put yourself on a ledge. I have not changed in how I treat them or talk to them I just let them know how much I care. I never asked for anything back just time is all I wanted. I want to know you, but I may have scared you away. I will never ask more than you are willing to give. I would never hurt you. I told you I loved you but I have for along time i first loved you as a friend in my life I am not asking for anything more, just a chance to be with you. I wish you would let me tell you all this face to face and you would see I have not changed I am still the same person who you enjoyed spending time with, the one who made you smile with a simple flirt. I have not changed I am still me hiding behind walls

hurting

When I look deep with in my soul the tears start to roll. To be the best I know how to be just never seems to be enough, to give all I have , to never stop trying, to get up over and over when the world knocks me down. I fall to my knees and pray God hears me just this one time gives me peace, shows me the road I must travel. He taught me to forgive, to understand, compassion, love. I hear what others say about me and i smile it off as nothing is wrong when deep down i am crying, I act as if nothing is wrong but it is an act, I have become a great actress. There are only a few I share anything with, only a few I let into where no others tread. My heart won't allow to many near it. All I want is to be accepted for me not be asked to change, to be enough. It just seems the world judges really hard. I hope with all I am and I pray with all my heart never to make anyone feel the way I do today. I want to make others feel alive, worth wild, loved for who they are,accepting, caring. I want to be what others have not been to me. God gave me a heart that never quits I will give the food off my table so no one goes hungry, the cloth off my back so they are not cold, and ear to talk about what is hurting them , arms to make them feel safe, a smile to comfort, and that my life reflex that God lives threw me. I make mistakes some of the biggest, but I am also the first to accept my fault in all I do.

being who we are

I am always being told how I should feel and why. I am told that feeling any one way is wrong that I am stupid to do it. I say no it takes courage to feel what you feel anyone can say the feelings a loud but to feel them deep within takes more courage. I keep saying sorry for the feelings I have, trying to please everyone else. I hide behind a smile so others can be happy, When asked if I am okay if i say no they get mad and if I yes they get mad so I just keep quiet. I have stood up for so many taught them to find their own voice yet I have not found mine. So many who think they know me only know what I chose to show them. Yet there is one who for what ever reason seems to nail actually how I am feeling and I have no clue how. It seems at the time when I need a friend more than ever is when I get a phone call. At first I was afraid to speak what I was really thinking afraid I would scare them away, yet I have found that to be a real friend I need to just to be true to myself which means speaking my mind. I was told I have a big mouth not sure what actually that means, but I hope it is nothing bad I am a small person I need to be seen okay heard some how.
Judging comes easy for others but not is the strongest thing you can do. To see a person for who they are not what you think they should be. So many where mask to hide who they are fear of not being accepted that is sad, we are all guilty of this at some point or another, but being the one who walks up to one who stands alone and takes a stand is what it is all about. Perfect I am so sick of that word.
PERFECT: someones idea of how things should be not the reality of it all. putting someone on a pedestal and when they can't live up to what you want they get crushed. Perfect is being who you are flaws and all, it is acceptance, understanding, it is not being afraid to be who you are.
I believe imperfect is so much better gives you character, your own style, makes you stand out from the rest of the world. So what if your not pretty , or skinny, or have perfect skin, so what if you laugh in the middle of a crowd for no reason. these things are wonderful things that set you apart from others. If God wanted us prefect he would have made us that way, he made us the way we are to embrace it and walk with your head held high is confidence and it is a great thing to have. Sometimes it just takes someone believing in us and that person should be you, how can others believe in you if you can't.
When you think about it we are not different I hurt, I bleed, I cry, I smile, I laugh, I love, so we are not all that different after all. Life is an adventure waiting to be discovered but it takes courage to take that first step. Be proud of who you are no matter what. God made you for a reason even when we question why we need to just believe he has a plan for you and me. Faith is believing in the unseen hope is feeling with your heart that anything is possible.